It Started Like This!"

The night ended with me, laying right, smack dab, ontop of Mr.T, in my new Longhorn Snuggie. Saying something lude and slightly tipsy like "whatsit guun abee likkke togeee tit onn with a theertyyearold?"

That's right, I had a snuggie on.

...Just before that, I slightly staggered upstairs in my over the knee boots, atop a brand new pair of True Religion. The snazziest thigh length coat with the most adorable tapestry print, found in the newest trendiest Manhattan boutique, all for protection of the early winter air; being yanked off in a fit of despair.

...The car pulled into the garage, the kids, Mr.T and myself pulled gift bag upon gift bag out of the trunk of Mr.T's swank new ride.

...As we left the nearby bistro, a byob, my closest friends gathered for the last goodbye's. Hugs and tears crowded out the men and children as my girlfriends wished me a very happy birthday.

...A swarm of familiar faces, faces aglow, from the single candle atop the birthday cake from the classiest bakery. A layered chocolate, fudge, coconut cake with the words "Happy 30th, Traci! What a Great Year It's Been!" Mr.T was quick to say: 'I called Swiss Chalet...I told them the cake had to say ----, ----- and ----. We negotiated for a while as they demand a 30 day notice for cakes. But we worked it out.' His smile and pride was visible for miles away for all to see.

...Present after present, while 64 eyes looked on as I unwrapped Longhorn snuggies, the most decadent smelling candles, earrings, and several 'Social Butterfly' wine glasses were opened.

...I ordered the linguine primavera and served my second Ketel 1 and Club.

..."Trac---have you never been to a Bring Your Own? Do they not have these in Texas? The wait staff isn't supposed to touch your alcohol."

...As I quieted the laughs, I tried to hand off my handle of Ketel 1. The waitress looked on as if I was speaking another language. 'Can you mix this with club and a splash of lemon?'

..."Wow! You aren't kidding!" was the response I had while pulling my handle of vodka out of my handbag, but I was out of wine and not in the mood for beer.

...'Holy crow!', was what I was thinking as I walked into the restaurant at 7 pm on Wednesday night, my 30th birthday. How did she get all of these people to come out on a school night?! When did I get so popular?!

..."Do you have any expectations?" asked Mr.T as he double parked and garned honks outside of the restaurants I had already scoped as he typed the venue name into his GPS. I hand busted the surprise 20 hours before, by a little playdate that couldn't hold water.

...I had no idea, I thought Mr.T wouldn't be back from Canada until the usual, 10 PM. I had no expectations. I had a great outfit, with a new coat and boots that felt like they are making love to my feet. The Betsy Johnson leopard print pearls set off the whole shebang. That and the 'Trophy Wife...pamper me perfect!' necklace I got last year for Christmas.

...May I mention before noon, I had cried twice. THEN I got a new color glaze and cried again, but in joy as my not-so-attractive-highlights were gone.

...I walked into my usual, 2 years and going strong, pilates class with 29, 29! people in class. I had to pull it together, aside from the fact that we had run out of mats.

...I dropped her at school, signed in 2 minutes late. Tears in both our eyes as I had just reamed her out about missing homework. Did I mention the tearful breakdown happened in the principles office?!?!

...I awoke, my 30th year of life, to a beautiful hand made card with words I am too greedy to share. A beautiful birthday smorgasbord laid before me by my perfect children. And about 20 texts, my favorite being "You milked a 7 year old for information?! You aughta be ashamed of yourself!!"

And that was how it all started.

T Minus 2 Days

I won't go all archiving on you to find the myriad and numerous post dedicated to days leading up to my birthday. But please believe me when I tell you that I take birthdays very. very seriously.

And some how, my the graces of God himself, I have been fortunate enough to pass the torch to my undeserving offspring.

read:sarcasm

This was proven three fold last weekend while whipping through Rockefeller Center and hook a sharp left to see a huge event about to throw down. Barricades, Mario and Luigi, life sized Goombas.

It was the launching of Super Mario Brothers Wii.

"MOM!! We should rent this place for my birthday! They can set up the whole Plaza like this!! I could invite all of the 2nd graders at my school. Maybe get one of those big stretch Hummers to take us here?! I think Dylan's Candy Bar brought the candy over to Luke's birthday and we got to make the goody bags, remember? Does Dylan's have an ice cream sundae bar?! LOOK AT ALL THE GAMES!!!"

"Orrrr, you could have some buddies go bowling, you and your buddies can eat pizza until you puke. And me and dad won't have to break into our already joke of a 401K to pay for your muthereffing 8th birthday, where do you get these insane ideas anyhow?!"

I suppose he is just warming us up for when he presents his genuine request of staying at Atlantis for 5 nights which is what I am pretty sure he is gunning for.

This is not an excuse.

Dear Blog-

I am neglectful. I am ignoring you. This is where I give you the old cliche of it's not you, it's me. You may have a hard time believing this, but I have been very busy shopping.

Yes, as a mater of fact I do hear the collective sigh from both this url as well as my server. Go ahead, sigh away.

So, where was I? Shopping, yes. And not even for Christmas. Because, remember? I am neglectful. We can go ahead and add selfish in my list of names.

So with that, dear blog, I apologize, while wearing my new shoes.

XOXO,
Traci

*********************************************************************

Purging of texts, kinda like texts from last night, but I am not 19 and an asshole.

from 512: you should stop using your fake eyelashes on your son. It's kinda wrong.
713: as a mater of fact we don't need to talk, he has every NFL game offered on Sirus and I have a air card in my laptop.
973: then she said, 'no Brian. You can't have a pickle. You have a pool in your back yard, go home and eat your own food.'
713: I am laughing so hard right now. She will grow up to make some man's life really difficult some day.
973: still can't use 'LOL' can you?

512: It worked! It worked! The drapes match the carpet now!!
713: you didn't mean to text me did you....

512: I don't mind flying alone, but flying without you to help make fun of people is the airport just sucks.

973: we nominate you, Traci, to host an adult Halloween party.
713: Um, if you mean pumpkin shaped vibrators, I am out. If you mean costume part, I am in!


**********************************************************************************

Dear glutes, quads, tri's, bi's and delts-

(that's fancy fitness talk for butt, thighs, triceps and bicepts, and shoulders) I am sorry. But you really should have had that Come To Jesus with the back fat. I said, the next time I spied it in the mirror you would all pay the price. Which really just means I am paying the price. But whatev. I won't have that nonsense going on back there.

truthfully yours,
me

***********************************************************************************

Dear visitors of SAM-

You all aught to know that the birthday extravaganza is in full effect. And this year, in celebration of the beginning of my 3rd decade, I will celebrate for 11 days. Yes, as a mater of fact this is all because of my parents. They really should have stopped with the circus and parade they gave me for my 10th birthday. The trips to Spain were a little over kill and for the rest of his breathing years, Mr.T will forever have the duty of living up to such fan fare. It's not an easy life, but someone has to live it.

I'm offering no excuses.

Traci

Now, I am Just Pissed

You know that scene in Willy Wonka, the old movie, not the new one with a creepy Johnny Depp- that incidentally-my husband said I looked just like last week since getting blunt bangs and a cropped bob and I just happened to be wearing white sunglasses.

The old one, when Veruca Salt starts singing my theme song:

"I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it
All up in my pocket
It's my bar of chocolate
Give it to me now.........Don't care how, I want it now
Don't care how, I want it now"

I feel the same way right now. I am bent as shit that with 555 post, running syndiation on NJ Mom's and my very own URL I haven't gotten a single Troll. Acorrding to wikipedia, it's the cornerstone of popularity. I mean, I have written a controversially. I wrote a whole post about hating Disney which is the Mommy Blogs equivalent of being a part of the Must Drown Kittens or Michael Vick Fan Club.

And what do I need to do to be on someones twitter list. Like Marinka is on Avitables, but maybe classier. Like 'people who have great clothes' or something a tad less narcissitic like 'as@es* that stay in tact after children'.

I mean, besides actually getting onto Twitter.



*my search hits including a$$ in the title is really just getting to offend me. I may need to get a new web page and title. How do I stop being the first on Google searched for a%$?

Halloween, The Mensa Edition

Me: "I don't understand how you and your friends roll. My goal every Halloween is to have a costume that everyone knows what it is and I don't have to answer the question 'what are you?'"

Lindsay: "This is the cerebral set, yo. We pick costumes that entertain us."

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.*

I shake my foot compulsively as I click through page load after page load.

The nervous energy trying to escape from the tip of my stiletto doesn't leave my body but makes a u turn and travels back up my spinal column and repeats.

I don't know the answer I am looking for, I am not even sure of the questions I want to ask my daughters school.

My gut just says something is not right.

Though my heart knows nothing is wrong.

And it's tricky and complex.

Missy B is smart. I have no doubt about that. But for the last 9, almost 10 years, I knew her intelligence wasn't limited to a passion for reading, science and math. There would be a problem with her being 1)a first born female and 2)stubborn as hell. You're kidding yourself if you think those don't play a part in the development of the young brain. Her social skills aren't like mine, they are more similar to her fathers. Which is not to say it's a bad thing, but for a bright young lady, indifference and inability to accept people, sometimes, will make for challenging rudimentary years. She is a firm believer in loyalty and has no tolerance for anything less than 110% dedication. May it be in school, athletics or friends. Add to this an overly confident girl and you can have a recipe for disaster. Throwing in puberty and typical surroundings never hurt in the drama department. I know her, and I know the best is seen when she is challenged.

Emails have been exchanged and words expressed in short time settings like:

"I know she is a tad bored, as I see her reading ahead of the class. She tends to get off on tangents and theories or practices. To say she reads a lot is an understatement. We are working on her staying with the classes time schedule and not her own."

And from my own:

"Does it really mater if I do my homework now, or when I wake up? If it only takes me 10 minutes I'd rather read now and do it later."

I know her teacher and school are good. Excuse me, they are incredible. I know it.

What I don't know, is if this is the right kind of incredible for my kid.

So my foot will nervously tap, today in heels just coming from church. Tomorrow in Tory Burch flats while I sit in an admissions department office. Later that night in slippers as I research more. The following day in her schools guidance office with a litany of questions/scenarios on paper, shaking steadily while it rests on my lap.

My foot will tap while I try to find the right kind of challenge for my child. Even if that means I sell my flats and stilettos to make the tuition payments at The Peck School.


*John Powell quote

Overheard:The School Yard

Amy: "I spend all my time at the Short Hills Mall on shopping for my kids. I bought them all Uggs and North Face coats the first day of school when I was supposed to be jean shopping for myself!"

Kate: "Me, too. I have got to start shopping for myself!"

Me: "Uh...not I. I shop for me to my kids 2:1"

Them, simultaneously: blank glazed stare.

Me: "Look, kids are already cute. I always invest in good quality clothes for them both, but they are easy. I, on the other hand take more effort. Makeup, hair, shoes, ACCESSORIES....I can't just throw this together, you know." I said with very standard sarcasm.

Amy: "And I used to have a hard time imagining you being a Mean Girl."